“My husband and I have been married for about four years, and have known each other for nine years. During the course of our marriage, he has always been predictable. He left the house at 7:20 AM every morning to catch the 7.30 AM bus. For the past three months he has been leaving for work earlier and earlier. Sometimes I’m not even up yet when he leaves.
I have also noticed that he is returning later. He would always catch the 5:30 PM bus to return home by 7:00 P.M. In recent months this has also changed. He returns home much later with the excuses of meetings or overload of paper work. I ask why he doesn’t call me to let me know that he’s coming home late. He’ll snap at me and say, “It’s work, Julie!”
It’s not that I don’t trust him. I want to, but lately there have been too many indications that there could be someone else in his life. When I ask my husband about who else stays late at work with him, he always mentions the same names. A couple of guys’ names and one female name. This woman’s name is continually brought up into the conversation. My husband has become extremely irritable lately, especially on the weekends. I have begun to make notes of when my husband leaves early and arrives home late from work. The pattern that I’m beginning to see is that it’s almost always on Mondays and Thursdays.”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
Working a lot of overtime is one of the most common signs seen when you have a cheating spouse. Ninety percent of the time, a person who is having an extramarital affair cheats with someone with whom he or she is friendly and close with at their job.
An affair with someone at work just doesn’t happen overnight. If you and your spouse are experiencing marital problems, your spouse might need someone to talk to. If your spouse has known the other person for a while, he or she may feel they can trust and confide in that other person.
When a spouse has an affair with someone at work, the amount of time spent away from home can be limited. The spouse will say that he or she either has a late meeting or is working overtime in order to cover up the time away.
Establishing whom your spouse is cheating with is relatively easy. Listen closely to what your spouse has to say when talking about work. There might be a reference to a co-worker in conversation or the use of the name as one of the people who also has to put in the extra time. There are numerous excuses for a spouse to work overtime, such as cutbacks on the job, or restructuring in the company. Although these excuses could very well be true, this is still a pattern to look out for.
For example, if your spouse arrives home late on Fridays and Mondays it may be because he or she will want to spend time with the lover before the weekend-and then again after the weekend. (Of course, the spouse may say he or she is working overtime on Saturday, too.)
TIP-OFFS:Here are some of the tip-offs, which indicate the spouse is not working overtime or is not at a late night meeting:
EXTRA POINT: Don’t let your spouse become unpredictable-it will make it difficult to obtain the information and set patterns. As hard as it may be, tame your anger and questioning until you have gathered all your information.
“My husband and I have known each other for five years; we have been married for almost three years. We operate our own business, which means we need to use the Internet every day. The e-mails were never private between us. I would yell from the other office, “Honey, check if so and so’s e-mail came in.” He would ask me to do the same. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that he would cheat on me and portray himself as somebody I didn’t even know!
Over the last few months, he became very secretive when he would explore the Net. I guess I started to really notice there was something more than business going on when I would walk into his room and he would click off the screen. If I asked what he was working on, he said, “Oh, nothing important.” And he was acting nervous. I waited until he was out one day and got on his computer to check for e-mail. I found out he now had alternative screen names, which I know he never had. I couldn’t access the password like I was able to do before, so I knew something was definitely wrong. He would stay up all night on the Internet talking to others. One night, after I felt that I had had enough of this, I sneaked up behind him and stood close enough to see what was being typed on the screen, and could make out some of the responses back to him. He was talking with a female about his age that responded to his ad posted under “Divorced.” I confronted him and he denied any physical sexual relationship, and promised to stop. He hasn’t stopped, and it seems to be getting worse, and we have now gone into marriage counseling. I hope his “addiction” can be controlled, or I don’t know what my next options are.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
A person who is addicted to the Internet escapes into his or her own fantasy world. Mostly everyone is lying to each other, and one would figure that having the excitement of being able to talk with others anonymously from all over the world would not cause any harm. Reliving the fantasies with strangers off your computer can be quite harmful to your real life relationship.
Correspondence becomes so personal, identities are revealed, and real relationships are formed. What actions should you take when your mate has extended the boundaries of your marital relationship? Our answer: When you feel as you would feel if being married to an alcoholic or drug addict. Your feelings of anger, isolation and frustration are just as painful.
“My husband owns a deli and makes his own hours. For years, he left very early each morning to prepare for the breakfast rush. Then he liked to come home and rest for two hours before returning again at noon to oversee the lunch crowd which lasted until about 3:00 PM.
In the past several months, it seems that every time I dropped by for a few minutes to say hi during those peak hours, my husband wasn’t there. When I asked the employees where he was, they would nervously tell me that he went to the bank to get change or he had to go to the post office. Sometimes, I waited almost one hour for him to return, and when he didn’t I just left out of sheer embarrassment.
Also, his behavior at home has changed completely. He has become grouchy and short tempered. Our sex life is almost at a complete standstill, where it once was quite good and satisfying.
After much contemplation on my part, I hired a private investigator to observe my husband’s activities. He soon found out that my husband had a girlfriend who lived just a few blocks away from the deli. He didn’t even have to use his car, it was just so simple to walk over there anytime he wanted to spend time with her”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
Unaccountable hours occur when your spouse has a lot of free time. This sign is especially true with those spouses who own a business. Some spouses choose to gamble, drink, or shop with their free time, and others choose to pursue having an extra-marital affair.
Usually in the beginning stages of an affair, the subject can’t think of answers to give the spouse as to where he or she has been or is going. The spouse may feel confused about having the affair, and fears getting caught in a lie. For example, the subject may have had a two-hour break between clients, and claims to have gone shopping for the two hours-but didn’t bring home any merchandise. When the spouse is pressured for an answer, he or she is unable to answer, or may use an excuse such as “I went out to the store,” or “I went for a walk or a drive.”
“I thought that life would be extra-beautiful during my pregnancy, but I was very wrong-all we ever did was fight. I thought that my husband was feeling slighted, since everything revolved around “The Baby”
My husband worked as a salesman, and called me from the Car. These calls were getting less frequent as the pregnancy progressed, and he worked longer hours. He said he was making extra money for when the baby arrived.
In my eighth month, I had to be hospitalized due to some complications in my pregnancy. My husband would visit in the morning, and did not call me the rest of the day. Most evenings he didn’t call, either. When I called our home at night he’d never answer. After several very long weeks, I gave birth to a wonderful baby girl. Everyone in the family, except for my husband, was thrilled. My husband continued with his longer work hours, and his uncaring attitude. I was angry with him, but was so busy that I had no time to worry.
One morning, my husband forgot to take his briefcase to work. I just had to look inside. I found his cellular phone bill, and recognized most of the phone numbers. But one number was called almost every day at about the same time (between 4:00 and 4:30 PM).
I dialed the number and got a female’s voice-mail at work. I pressed “0” for the main operator, asked which extension I dialed and was told the woman’s name. I asked for the company’s address. That same afternoon, I hired a baby-sitter and drove to this company. At 5:00 PM the employees started leaving. I spotted her and followed her several blocks where she meet a man. They kissed and entered a swanky restaurant. The pain and anger was almost too much to bear. That man was my husband.”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
Hiding the cellular bill is also a sure sign of your spouse having an affair.
Look at the bill for recognizable numbers, such as your spouse’s place of employment, your home, your spouse’s best friend, or his or her mother. You can then eliminate these numbers and concentrate on the phone numbers that are not familiar.
Phone numbers leading to another male or female are obviously your main concern. Also, look for telephone numbers that appear before and after the subject’s work or residence number was called. The strategy behind this thought is that your spouse might have called you to inform you that he or she is running late or must attend a meeting in order to get your consent. The spouse will then immediately call the lover to confirm the scheduled date! Consequently, the spouse has generated a pattern. In recent years, cell providers offer subscribers no call detail. If this is your case then try to get a hold of the phone when your spouse is in the shower or while sleeping this way you will be able to gain access to the address book. Be aware to fact that the spouse may have code the person under another name or by initials. Look for out of the ordinary types of entries. Also, look for call history. Check in the files that say incoming calls and outgoing calls, there you may be able to document the calls before you or after you, even the calls that were made on the drive home.
“Throughout the 25 years of our marriage, my husband and I socialized regularly with my best friend and her husband. We have been through everything together. Raising our children, family crises, even vacations. Last year my friend’s husband died and it was traumatic for all of us. My husband and I spent as much time with my friend as possible, and for a while she even stayed with us. She was more like a sister than a friend. My husband felt the same way, but I felt that they were getting a little closer than I was comfortable with. One day, another friend said she saw my husband with my friend at the park holding hands. That evening, I confronted my husband about the park and how I was very uncomfortable with his relationship with my friend. He said I was being ridiculous and that “my imagination was working overtime.”
A few weeks later, I received an anonymous telephone call telling me that husband has been having a three-year affair with my friend. I thought that this was a very cruel joke and couldn’t believe anyone would hurt me like this. But it’s been five, months since the passing of our friend, and the grieving widow was looking pretty good to me. She lost weight, colored her hair and got a new haircut.
My husband changed, too. All of a sudden he was always ready to go out, with me or not. One night when we were driving somewhere I opened the glove compartment to get a tissue and found a condom instead. That was it! I blew up, and he finally confessed that he was sleeping with my friend for the past three years, and that he was in love with her. Now that she was a widow, he wanted to divorce me and marry her. Well, friends, if it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, then it is a rat.”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
Saying “It’s your imagination” is a direct reaction and accusation from your spouse when you begin to question the fidelity in your relationship.
Telling you that this “so called affair” is in your own imagination usually takes place once your spouse has become comfortable and lazy with the regular excuses. Laziness of hiding the affair usually happens after six months or more from the beginning of it. This is when the lovers make mistakes and you begin to take real close notice. The spouse makes mistakes when he or she begins to show numerous signs.
When you began to take notice of your spouse’s behavior, it was only natural for you to confront your spouse with your suspicions. You have made your spouse cleverer to cover-up the affair. An affair cannot be hidden forever!
We understand it’s difficult for you to not say anything to your spouse, but you have to remain in control over your emotions until you get the facts.
The cheating spouse will always try to keep you off-guard, and wants to play with your emotions. You have been made to believe this affair is all your fault and in your imagination.
Remember, you’re not the one who’s crazy! You know something is wrong and you have to find out what is making it that way. Listen to your gut feeling.Intuition plays a huge part of knowing and accepting the TRUTH.
“I once had an average life-married right after college, two children, a dog and a comfortable home in a decent neighborhood.
In order to supplement my husband’s salary I started a small business that I ran out of our home, designing and making silk floral arrangements. I was satisfied with our lives. Nothing too grand about it, but we were happy.
Then, one day, it started. When my husband would leave for work, the phone would ring. I’d picked it up, and silence. I thought someone had dialed the wrong number. But after several more calls, I thought some teenager was probably pulling a prank.
That night I told my husband about the calls, and he, too, felt that it was likely a prank. Next morning, it started again. 1 couldn’t take the phone off the hook-what if someone wanted to place an order, or if my kid’s school needed to contact me? The calls continued for the next two weeks, only when I was home alone-never in the evening.
Now I started to get really worried. Every time the phone would ring I would get all jumpy and nervous. What if some lunatic wanted to hurt me? So I called the phone company and ordered a caller ID unit, and installed it. That night I told my husband about it and he broke down crying, saying this was all his fault and how sorry he was to have caused me all of this worry.
I had no idea what he was talking about-but he continued to tell me that he had a new student in his class that semester (he was a teacher at a local college). She was doing poorly, and he had offered to tutor her after class. Well, a lot more had happened between them than he planned on. Now, this girl was determined to drive me crazy and break up our marriage.”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
Receiving hang-up phone calls is a significant indication of a cheating spouse. There are several reasons you or your spouse would receive a hang-up phone call. For example, a lover could become angry at your spouse and will call to get his or her attention.
Here’s a case scenario: Your spouse was supposed to call the lover at a certain time, but was unable to do so since you were present. The lover waits for the call, and the more time that passes, the more upset the lover becomes-until they just can’t stand it anymore and they call.
Another situation develops when the lover wants to talk with your spouse, and repeatedly calls until your spouse picks up the phone. The need to talk for a few minutes is very strong. In this situation, the lover is attempting to keep control of the affair as well as cause trouble in the marriage.
Keep track of when they occur and watch what your spouse does. Observe the reaction.
If the lover is calling your spouse, it might show up on your Caller ID. If you don’t have it hooked up to your phone, then subscribe to it. All it takes is for the lover to make just one call and most likely his or her number will appear on the terminal. Don’t tell your spouse about the Caller ID unit. Your phantom calls might just stop, and you’ll never find out who is doing this to you.
Hide the unit where your spouse won’t see it. Scan the numbers everyday. Keep track of all strange numbers that appear, even if it says the number belongs to a pay phone. Keep track of when the calls take place. Notice if your spouse is at home or returns shortly thereafter. The lovers might have just left one another.
“My wife and I always had a healthy sex life. We were married for fifteen years, and we still managed to have sex about three times a week.
During the last six months of our relationship, our sex life declined rapidly. It all started when I got laid off from work. Money was tight, the bills just kept pouring in, and there seemed to be no jobs available in my field.
My wife decided to get a part time job and help out until I found a decent position. I have to admit, my self-esteem was pretty low. I didn’t like the idea of my wife supporting me all of a sudden, but it couldn’t be helped, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t find a job.
That’s when our sex life started going down the drain. At first, it was my fault. I didn’t feel like the “man” around the house anymore-also I was worried and felt as though I was constantly in a pressure cooker.
But then things turned around, and it was my wife who was making all the excuses. She would go to bed before me saying that she had to get up early for work the next morning. Or she would come home from work claiming that she was exhausted. When I would approach her in bed, she would tell me that if I put in half as much effort into finding a job as I did trying to seduce her we would be millionaires.
After many months, I sat her down one day and wanted to know what was really wrong with our relationship. Being out of work for months shouldn’t destroy a marriage of fifteen years, I told her.
She finally broke down, and through tears said that she met a man at work and they fell in love. She said that she wasn’t looking for it but it just happened. She asked me for a divorce.”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
A couple who has had a sexual pattern which changes drastically is usually a sign of a cheating spouse.
Your spouse might use excuses like “It’s the pressure at work,” or “It’s the house bills,” or the demands of children, or even pressure from the two of you arguing lately. Your spouse will never say it’s because of the lover that he or she has. Document the times your spouse dresses extra nice when going out or to work. That might be the day your spouse is meeting the lover.
“Lately my husband has been going to the gym early on the weekends. He prefers it, rather than going at night after work. Normally, after his workout, he would go and pick up some fresh bagels for us and we would have brunch together when he returned.
He stopped wearing his wedding band when he went to the gym because he claimed that it bothered him while he was lifting weights. I thought that it was no big deal, since I myself didn’t to wear jewelry while working out.
Recently though, I noticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding band when he came home from work either. When I questioned him about this, he replied that the ring was in his car ashtray because while driving his hand was itching and he removed it; A sign that he getting sloppy and forgot to out it back on.
After a while of suspicious behavior, I found out that he was seeing someone from work who also happened to go to the same gym. It seemed that often after work, he would drive her home. He never told her that he was married, and therefore repeatedly remove the ring so she wouldn’t find out.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
No longer wearing a wedding ring is an age-old sign of a cheating spouse. If your spouse frequents a singles bar or hangout with single friends, they might hide their wedding ring. When a spouse tells their lover they are separated, the lover will not want them to wear the wedding ring when they are together.
Sooner or later, the spouse will forget to put it back on before coming home.
“My husband and I always had a decent sex life. After being together for so many years, it was only natural that we experimented with different techniques, but we never got too kinky.
Last year my husband bought a home computer and became addicted to it. I didn’t pay too much attention, because I felt that it was good for him to broaden his horizons. Moreover, when our son got older; his daddy could use the computer to help him with his homework. Soon, I felt as though I was no longer married, as my husband was in love with his computer, spending endless hours on-line.
Once I woke up in the middle of the night and found him at his computer watching very explicit porno. He claimed it was just for kicks. But I realized how adamant he had become about trying new sexual techniques-all he wanted to do was tie me up to the bedposts!
He was way out of control, and was getting these crazy ideas from the computer; I decided that when my husband was at work, I’d learn to surf the Net to see what else he was into. Luckily, my husband kept a notebook next to the screen with notes and his password. I logged on, and got notified to check “my mail.” That’s when my nightmare began.
I found disgusting e-mails from a woman I never heard about, writing about their incredible sex, and she couldn’t wait until their next meeting at the usual motel, where they’d try out new games. She was into S & M.
I sat there stunned! How could this be? When and where did they meet? I couldn’t believe how gullible I was-he was having a real affair with a real person, not with his computer.
After confronting him, I learned that he had met her in a chat area, and one thing led to the other-which lead me to my lawyer’s office!”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
New sexual techniques often become evident when you know your spouse always enjoyed having sex a certain way.
For example, if your spouse has a new sexual technique, you might not believe this idea came from renting an X-rated movie, or an adult magazine. A new sex partner is probably where they learned it.
Perhaps, your spouse changed his or her own sex style and interests and wants you to perform it. Your spouse may use these new techniques with you-but fails to realize that you see this change not as fun. Use it as a warning flag.
Finding the password or alternate screen names is practically impossible. If you are not one of the lucky ones to find that info, then there are Email Monitoring Software to obtain all information and activity of your spouses Internet escapades.
“I was in shock when my husband came home from work and said that we had to talk. In all the years of our marriage, I have never heard that tone in his voice. It frightened me, and all kinds of strange thoughts went through my head; Was he fired, or did he have a terminal disease? We sat down, and he told me that after 22 years of marriage he suddenly had an urgent need to be alone for a while. He said that he needed space to figure things out. What things, I asked? He had no real answer for me.
I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. I asked him to talk to a professional about his problems. He said getting his own space would be the best medicine-and that he had already found a small apartment, and was moving out immediately. I asked him where this apartment was and his phone number but he refused to tell me-that would just defeat the purpose of moving out for a while. He said in case of an emergency I could reach him by cell, otherwise don’t bother him.
I was dumfounded! After 22 years of marriage, my life went up in smoke in exactly ten minutes. For five long months, he lived his own life, showing up once a week for dinner and give me money for the bills. I tried to look extra nice and act extra pleasant, even though it was killing me. I was starting to think him leaving was all my fault. I tried so hard to understand his “ordeal,” but I just couldn’t. I finally got up the nerve to hire a private investigator.
I wanted answers. The PI. followed him after work and found where he lived. The PI watched his house early every morning for a week-and saw the same woman leaving the house with him every morning, kissing before getting into their own cars.
The PI did a background check on this woman, and gave me all of the information. I was devastated, but I could not forgive myself for letting my husband to leave the marital home so easily. I am currently seeing a therapist. I still haven’t gotten a decent explanation from him as to how and why this all happened. I am divorcing him on the grounds of mental cruelty and abandonment, not to mention adultery!”
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
When the subject is caught between the spouse and the lover, they can no longer think rationally.
If your spouse tells you he or she needs time to think things through, to be able to go out with their friends and be free for a while, to unwind and relax, then there is a real problem.
No one should abandon their marriage to be single again-it was supposed to be a lifetime commitment; For better or for worse, remember?
Your spouse’s behavior has placed you in a difficult position. You are told you cannot ask any questions, which helps your spouse to avoid the marital problem and only to tell you more lies. If you let your spouse leave the marital household, you have let your spouse justify having an affair.
If you have no choice in the matter seek the services of a therapist or marriage and family counselor, as well as a matrimonial attorney.
ASI has earned our respect, success and accomplishments b providing clients with confidetial and professional services in the areas of: Matrimonial Investigations, Infidelity Investigations, Child Custody & Support, Alimony Reduction, Internet Dating, Background Searches, Asset & Bank Searches and High Profile Cases.