Case Studies

28 Tell Tale Signs of a Cheating Spouse

 

Sign 1 – WORKING A  LOT OVERTIME… CASE STUDY – “JULIE”

“My husband and I have been married for about four years, and have known each other for nine years. During the course of our marriage, he has always been pre­ dictable. He left the house at 7:20 AM every morning to catch the 7:30 AM bus. For the past three months he has been leaving for work earlier and earlier. Sometimes I’m not even up yet when he  leaves.

Ihave also noticed that he is returning later. He would always catch the 5:30 PM bus to return home by 7:00 PM. In recent months this has also changed. He returns home much later with the excuses of meetings or overload of paper work. I ask why he doesn’t call me to let me know that he’s coming home late. He’ll snap at me and say, “It’s work, Julie!”

It’s not that I don’t trust him. I want to, but lately there have been too many indications that there could be someone else in his life. When Iask my husband about who else stays late at work with him, he always mentions the same names. A couple of guys’ names and one female name. This woman’s name is continually brought up into the conversation. My husband has become extremely irritable lately, especially on the weekends.

I have begun to make notes of when my husband leaves early and arrives home late from work. The pattern that I’m beginning to see is that it’s almost always on Mondays and Thursdays.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Working a lot of overtime is one of the most common signs seen when you have a cheating spouse.  Ninety percent of the time, a person who is having an extra­ marital affair cheats with someone with whom he or she is friendly and close with at their job. I

An affair with someone at work just doesn’t happen overnight. If you and your spouse are experiencing marital problems.your spouse might need someone to talk to. If your spouse has known the other person for a while, he or she may feel they can trust and confide in that other person.

When a spouse has an affair with someone at work, the amount of time spent away from home can be limited. The spouse will say that he or she either has a late meeting or is working overtime in order to cover up the time away.

Establishing who your spouse is cheating withis relatively easy. Listen close­ ly to what your spouse has to say when talking about work. There might be a refer­ ence to a co-worker in conversation or the use of the name as one of the people who also has to put in the extra time. There are numerous excuses for a spouse to work overtime, such as cut-backs on the job, or restructuring in the company. Although these excuses could very well be true, this is still a pattern to look out for.

For example, if your spouse arrives home late on Fridays and Mondays it may be because he or she will want to spend time with the lover before the weekend­ and then again after the weekend. (Of course, the spouse may say he or she is work­ ing overtime on Saturday, too.)

TIP-OFFS

Here are some of the tip-offs which indicate the spouse is not working overtime or is not at a late night meeting:

  1. No increase seen in your spouse’s paycheck.
  2. You feel that your spouse usually meets the lover on the same day of the week.
  3. Extra mileage on the car.
  4. You are unable to reach your spouse by telephone (being told there are no incoming calls after hours).
  5. Your spouse returns home smelling of perfume or alcohol,or has make-up on clothing.
  6. Your spouse always wears a favorite piece of clothing or sexy undergarments on certain days of the week.
  7. Your spouse doesn’t give the location of the meeting,who he or she is with, or says what time he or she will be home.
  8. Meeting with new friends or associates with whom you do not know, never met or heard of in recent months.

EXTRA POINT:  Don’t let your spouse become unpredictable-it will make it difficult to obtain the information and set patterns. As hard as it may be,tame your anger and questioning untilyou have gathered all your information.

 

Sign 2 – LEAVING EARLY  FOR WORK… CASE STUDY “FRANK”

“My wife and I have three beautiful little girls who are a handful. We were a typical happy “normal” family Because my wife and I have conflicting schedules, it is almost impossible to spend any quality time alone with each other.

I am a regular guy who works from nine to five for a computer company, and my wife is a nurse who works the night shift. When I’mjust getting home from work, she’s rushing around trying to get ready and leave for work. In the past few months, she’s been leaving for work earlier to get in some extra hours. I, of course, agreed to this, since having three children has placed a financial burden on us.

I still have not seen the extra money from all the overtime. In fact, she tells me that they are paying her a little at a time. I’m starting to believe that she is lying.

On her days off,she recently started leaving the girls with her mother. When I ask her where she goes during those days, she tells me that shejust needs to get out a bit, so she goes to the mall or runs e”ands. Even her mother is suspicious that she is seeing someone else.

I started keeping tabs on her and documenting which days she was at work early and which were her days ofl Finally, I found her with another man. He is a doc­ tor who works at the same hospital. Since he, too, is married, they coordinated their schedules so that they could have the same days off and spend them together.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Leaving work early for work happens when your spouse does not have the type of job that has planned meetings or overtime. Your spouse will only have this time to spend with the lover in the office.

For example, if your spouse and the lover meet early at work, they will have quiet time to spend together before the other employees arrive. They could also make time to meet for breakfast or a pre-planned destination such as a park, restau­ rant, motel,or the lover’s house.

In many cases, the lover is also in a relationship or married as well. So, this early morning encounter works out well for both parties. They are content and seem satisfied with the short time they have to spend together.

 

Sign 3 – EXCESSIVE USE OF THE INTERNET AND E-MAIL… CASE STUDY – “PAM”

“My husband and I have known each other for five years; we have been married for almost three years. We operate our own business which means we need to use the Internet every day.  The e-mails were never private between us. I would yell from

the other office, “Honey, check if so and so s e-mail came in.” He would ask for me to do the same. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that he would cheat on me and also portray himself as somebody I didn’t even know!

Over the last few months, he became very secretive when he would explore the Net. Iguess Istarted to really notice there was something more than business going on when Iwould walk into his room and he would click off the screen. If Iasked what he was working on, he said, “Oh, nothing important.” And he was acting nervous. I waited until he was out one day and got on his computer to check for e-mail. Ifound out he now had alternative screen names which Iknow he never had. Icouldn’t access the password like I was able to do before, so Iknew something was definitely wrong. He would stay up all night on the Internet talking to others. One night, after I felt that Ihad had enough of this, Isneaked up behind him and stood close enough to see what was being typed on the screen, and could make out some of the responses back to him. He was talking with a female about his age who responded to his ad posted under “Divorced.” I confronted him and he denied any physical sexual relationship, and promised to stop. He hasn’t stopped, and it seems to be getting worse, and we have now gone into marriage counseling. Ihope his “addiction” can be controlled.or I don’t know what my next options are.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

A person who is addicted to the Internet escapes into his or her own fanta­sy world. Mostly everyone is lying to each other,and one would figure that having the excitement of being able to talk with others anonymously from all over the world would not cause any harm. Reliving the fantasies with strangers off your computer can be quite harmful to your real life relationship.

Correspondence becomes so personal,true identities are revealed, real rela­ tionships are formed. What actions should you take when your mate has extended the boundaries of your marital relationship? Our answer: When you feel as you would feel if being married to an alcoholic or drug addict. Your feelings of anger, isolation and frustration are just as painful.

 

Sign 4 – UNACCOUNTABLE HOURS… CASE STUDY – “SUSAN”

 

“My husband owns a deli and makes his own hours. For years. he left very early each morning to prepare for the breakfast rush. Then he liked to come home and rest for two hours before returning again at noon to oversee the lunch crowd which lasted until about 3:00 PM.

In the past several months it seems that every time Idropped by for a few min­ utes to say hi during those peak hours, my husband wasn’t there. When I asked the employees where he was, they would nervously tell me that he went to the bank to get change or he had to go to the post office. Sometimes, I waited almost one hour for him to return, and when he didn’t Ijust  left out of sheer embaffassment.

Also, his behavior at home has changed completely. He has become grouchy and short tempered. Our sex life is almost at a complete standstill, where it once was quite good and satisfying.

After much contemplation on my part, I hired a private investigator to observe my husband’s activities. He soon found out that my husband had a girlfriend who lived just a few blocks away from the deli. He didn’t even have to use his car, it wasjust so simple to walk over there anytime he wanted to spend time with her.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Unaccountable hours occur when your spouse has a lot of free time. This sign is especially true with those spouses who own a business. Some spouses choose to gamble, drink,or shop with their free time, and others choose to pursue having an extra-marital affair.

Usually in the beginningstages of an affair,the subject can’t think of answers to give the spouse as to where he or she has been or is going. The spouse may feel confused about having the affair, and fears getting caught in a lie.

For example, the subject may have had a two-hour break between clients, and claims to have gone shopping for the two hours-but didn’t bring home any mer­ chandise. When the spouse is pressured for an answer, he or she is unable to answer, or may use an excuse such as “I went out to the store,11 or “I went for a walk or a drive.”

 

Sign 5 ACTING VERY  RESTLESS AT HOME… CASE STUDY – “JERRY”

“My wife and I have been married for twenty years. She was always a won­ derful, fun-loving person. For the past six months, she has been acting very restless at home especially on the weekends. Sundays seem to be the worst.

She has  been very moody  and therefore we have been  arguing much more.

I have also noticed that she returns home from work on Fridays later and later.

Also, she’s been up and out of the house much earlier on Monday mornings. Her frame of mind and moods are usually much better during the week. When I try to talk to her about how I feel, she gets defensive.

I certainly do not know what has happened to our lives and why she has become so distant to me. I’m trying to make this marriage work, but right now it’s all one-sided since I can’t get any answers from her. I’m starting to think that she might be cheating on me.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Acting very restless at home is when the spouse is there in body, but not in mind. The spouse is restless doing minimal chores around the house or can’t seem to sit still, fidgets and is generally in an irritable mood.

The most restless day of the week is Sunday. The spouse knows that Monday will be the first time he or she will be able to see or talk with the lover since Friday.

Very often, the subject will leave their home, claiming to need something at the store, or provoke an argument in order to talk to or to see the lover for a few minutes.

 

Sign 6 – LEAVING HOME DURING AN ARGUMENT… CASE STUDY – “MARION”

“I’m sick and tired of constant arguments with my husband. It seems that any­ thing I say or do just isn’t right.

We’ve been married for eleven years, but for the past year he has created his own world and has not included me in it. He’s become very secretive, and alool Our sex life has diminished completely. I have been noticing that my husband provokes arguments with me for no apparent reason, and then just storms out of the house.

It used to be that I would cry my eyes out and feel guilty about the argument, or think that Ihad done something wrong and therefore it was all my fault. Inow real­ ize that it is a scheme for him to leave the house without telling me where he’s going.

In the beginning, I thought that he went out driving around to cool off,or that he went out for a beer. Now I know better-he has a girlfriend that he has been seeing all this time.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO  KNOW

Leaving home during an argument happens many times when a spouse wants to leave the house, so the spouse can call or meet the lover. The spouse has exhausted all other excuses, and is usually very restless at home. Go with your gut feeling if you think something isn’t right with your spouse’s behavior.

When you make an attempt to talk with your spouse, he or she usually starts an argument, taking the offense, so that you are kept on the defense. Your natural reaction is to back-off due to the restlessness and accusations.

Your spouse may insist on leaving or going for a drive to calm down. You may end up thinking that you have been pushing your spouse too much, and you should become more understanding. Take note once your spouse returns: is he or she more relaxed now? This may be because your spouse either called or spent time with the lover!

 

Sign 7 – ADDITIONAL MILEAGE ON THE ODOMETER… CASE STUDY – “LISA”

“My husband’s company has been having him work later during the week, and requesting that he put in additional time on the weekends. Of course, Ididn’t ques­ tion any of this, because I figured it’s only temporary and the additional pay would help, with the holidays only two months away.

I’ve noticed that my husband has been almost unreachable at work, and that the car has more mileage on it than usual. When Iquestioned him about this, he was on the defensive of course, and said that he had been dropping off a co-worker on the way home. Iasked where this co-worker lived, and he said it was “on the way home”. This didn’t make sense to me, so I started calculating the exact mileage and came up with twelve extra miles almost daily.

This pattern continued for months. One time, on a weekend when my hus­ band was supposed to be working,Idrove to his office complex and wasn’t totally sur­ prised to see that his car,nor any other cars were there. Now that I was 100% sure that he was lying to me, Ijust  had to find out what was going on for sure.

Ihired a private investigator to follow my husband. He reported to me that my husband was leaving work daily at the normal 5:00 PM, but was accompanied by a female who got into his car with him, and then they would drive to her house where he spent several hours before coming home. This woman’s house turned out to be six miles away from the office, in exactly the opposite direction of our house.

Now the twelve additional miles, plus my husband’s behavior and schedule made sense.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Additional mileage on the odometer of a vehicle tells you if your spouse is

indeed staying late at work or is just going to the store. You can check to see if there is any additional mileage on the vehicle.

Does the mileage coincide with the daily destinations?  You can calculate the additional mileage on the vehicle and determine how far the subject must drive to meet the lover. You can determine a radius around where the subject drove last, to see the possible area where the subject meets the lover.

 

Sign 8 – HAVING NEW FRIENDS… CASE STUDY – “ANTHONY”

 

“My wife is a teacher who has been transferred to a new school this past year. I felt really bad for her, because I know that she loved the other school and was very friendly  with the stall

The transition to this new job has been very rough. My wife complained that the other teachers had a click for years, and it was very hard for her to become “one of the gang. Finally, after many months, things started to get better for her at work. Gradually, she would come home and tell me all kinds of stories about her day and the other teachers, and we would laugh about it.

Also, the same names kept coming up into our conversations and Istarted to feel curious about her new life and her new friends. Occasionally, they would go out for dinner together. One night, I asked if I could join them so that I could meet every­ one and my wife got all nervous telling me that none of the other teachers were bring­ ing their spouses. On the surface everything seemed to be all right, but for some rea­ son Ijust  kept having these uneasy feelings that Ijust couldn’t put my finger on.

Everything came to a head when she told me she was going out of town for several days on a teachers’ conference. She seemed quite anxious when she told me about it, and for some reason was extremely confused about all the details, such as which hotel she was staying at. I wanted to trust her, but Ijust couldn’t. I called the school the following day, pretending to be someone else and asked for information about the teachers’ conference.

Why was I surprised when the person on the phone told me that I must be mis­taken since there was no conference scheduled at that time?”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Having new friends mentioned is a possibility of having an affair.The spouse needs to have an alibi,one which you are unable to track. When the spouse uses new business associates or new friends as an excuse, there is no possibility of your check­ ing up on them. There is no chance of your running into these new friends.

Listen closely for name dropping of these new friends.  For example, you may

ask another associate, who should know your spouse’s acquaintances, about that meeting last Thursday and how it went. Listen for the tone in the associate’s voice, as well as the reply. Does it sound like they have no idea what you are talking about? Do they begin to hem and haw, at a loss for words?  Or do they say “it went great”?

 

Sign 9 – SMELLING  OF PERFUME  OR ALCOHOL… CASE STUDY – “DANA”

“My husband is a stock broker. Besides being in a high stress situation all day long at work,he is expected to entertain clients on most evenings. Occasionally, he was happy to have mejoin him for these dinners, and most of the time we enjoyed them. It also gave us the opportunity to spend some more time together.

All this stopped when Igot my new job. I,too, had extended hours and much more responsibility  with this new position, so it was almost impossible for me  tojoin

him. More and more, Inoticed his coming home reeking of alcohol. He always enjoyed a couple of drinks but never before did he come home dead drunk.

After a while Ialso figured out that he was using drugs as well. When Ibegged him to let me help him with his new drinking and drug habits, he seemed to totally ignore me. The only thing he kept repeating was that it was all my fault because I worked too much and didn’t have enough time for  him.

Our relationship drifted more and more, and we were seeing each other less and less. Eventually, I didn’t even know what time he came home at night because it was so late and I was already sleeping.

One day, aperfumed card arrived in the mail from a woman who thanked my husband for such a wonderful evening. This card was defiantly not the kind of card that one professional would send to another. Anyway, he eventually moved out, saying that  he needed time to think.

Of course, he never came back and we finally did divorce.Iblamed myself con­ stantly, thinking that Iwas selfish to want a full time career,instead of having more time to cater to my husband. It would have saved me a lot of grief if only someone had told me sooner that my husband always cheated on me from day one of our marriage.

Funny, how I was the last to know.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

When a spouse states they are at work, at a meeting, or out with associates, the smell of perfume or alcohol should not come into the picture if they are telling the truth.

For example, when a female is dating a male, she will always wear perfume and lipstick. Many men tell their girlfriends that they are single. The man can’t tell the female not to wear perfume and lipstick, as that would tip off the female that he is married.

The man will try not to get too close to the female during the date. He might even take along a change of clothing and switch back,so that the wife doesn’t get sus­picious.

 

Sign 10 – HIDING  THE HOME TELEPHONE  BILL… CASE STUDY – “WENDY”

“My husband and Ihave been married for 24 years. We had what Iconsidered to be a good, solid marriage- until three years ago when everything started falling apart. My  husband started to distance himself from me more and more each day.

He was always in charge of paying the household bills, and would give me a weekly allowance. Ihad become sick and tired of his “running the show” and treating me like a child, but I didn’t want to make any waves.

About a year ago, he decided to add another phone line to our house which was installed in his home office. I was told that it would be strictly for his own use since our regular home phone always seemed to be busy.

One day I decided that it was time to take responsibility  for my own life, so

after my husband left for work Iwent into his office, and dialed *69. Not so surprisingly, a female answered. I hung up in total shock. After calming down, I went through his desk to see what else I could find out. Ifound nothing out of the ordinary, no unusual phone numbers, no personal letters. Then it hit me to look over the phone bills that have been filed away paid.

I recognized most of the numbers except for one which seemed to have been called almost on a daily basis. Icalled this number and realized that this was the same female voice who answered  when I dialed *69.

Ijust had to know who this woman was. I called information and found out that the phone number was listed, and therefore I could receive the name and address that belonged to that phone number.

Out of sheer desperation, I called my best friend to confide in her and let off a little steam. We decided that on the next night my husband went out, we would drive over to this address. Two nights later we had our chance. After discovering my hus­ band’s car in this woman’s driveway, I finally figured out was wrong in our marriage.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Hiding the home telephone bill is a sure sign that your spouse is having an affair.The spouse enjoys the excitement and risk of being able to call the lover when at home. He or she will call their lover even when the spouse is at home, in the show­ er, outside, or on a different floor of the house.

When the spouse attempts to hide the telephone bill it’s because he or she does not want the spouse to find the lover’s work or home phone number. A spouse might even have the telephone bill mailed directly to his or her place of employment to omit the chance of the spouse’s ever seeing it.

Once you have found a strange telephone number, you might be able to obtain the name and address associated with the number if it is published. Services like Caller ID and Call Return are available in most states.

If the lover is calling your spouse, it might show up on the Caller ID. If you don’t already have the terminal hooked up to your phone.subscribe to it. This can easily determine the lover’s name and address.

Hide the Caller ID unit in a place that your spouse won’t see it.  Scan the numbers everyday-especially the times that you are not around and your spouse is at home. Call Return or *69 (offered in some states) can be utilized to obtain the last number dialed. Check the re-dial of your phone to see who the last call was made to.

 

Sign 11 – HIDING THE CELLULAR OR CAR TELEPHONE  BILL… CASE STUDY “SARAH”

“I thought that life would be extra-beautiful during my pregnancy, but I was very wrong-all we ever did was fight. I thought that my husband was feeling slight­ ed, since everything revolved around “The Baby.

My husband worked as a salesman, and called me from the car. These calls were getting less frequent as the pregnancy  progressed, and he worked longer hours. He said he was making extra money for when the baby arrived.

In my eighth month, Ihad to be hospitalized due to some complications in my pregnancy. My husband would visit in the morning, and did not call me the rest of the day. Most evenings he didn’t call, either.  When I called our home at night he’d never

answer. After several very long weeks, Igave birth to a wonderful baby girl. Everyone in the family, except for my husband, was thrilled. My husband continued with his longer work hours, and his uncaring attitude. I was angry with him, but was so busy that I had no time to worry.

One morning, my husband forgot to take his briefcase to work. Ijust had to look inside. Ifound his cellular phone bill, and recognized most of the phone numbers. But one number was called almost every day at about the same time (between 4:00 and 4:30 PM).

I dialed the number and got a female’s voice-mail at work. I pressed  “O” for

the main operator, asked which extension I dialed and was told the woman’s name. I asked for the company’s address. That same afternoon, I hired a baby-sitter and drove to this company. At 5:00 PM the employees started leaving. Ispotted her and followed her several blocks where she meet a man. They kissed and entered a swanky restau­ rant.  The pain and anger was almost too much to bear. That man was my husband.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Hiding the cellular or car telephone bill is also a sure sign of your spouse having an affair. Just as with Sign No.10 (hiding the home telephone bill),hiding the cell and car phone bill can be compared to the same theory.

However,with a car phone bill,every call is documented-which enables you to plot all of the calls. By scanning the most frequent calls made, you will find just a few numbers will appear.

Look for recognizable numbers.such as your spouse’s place of employment, your home, your spouse’s best friend, or his or her mother. You can then eliminate these numbers and concentrate on the phone numbers that are not  familiar.

Phone numbers leading to another male or female are obviously your main concern. Also,look for telephone numbers that appear before and after the subject’s work or residence number was called. The strategy behind this thought is that your spouse might have called you to inform you that he or she is running late or must attend a meeting in order to get your consent. The spouse will then immediately call the lover to confirm the scheduled date! Consequently, the spouse has generated a pattern.

 

Sign 12 – SAYING “IT’S YOUR IMAGINATION”… CASE STUDY – “BEATRICE”

“Throughout the 25 years of our marriage, my husband and I socialized regu­ larly with my best friend and her husband. We have been through everything together. Raising our children, family crises, even vacations.

Last year my friend’s husband died and it was traumatic for all of us. My hus­ band and I spent as much time with my friend as possible, and for a while she even stayed with us. She was more like a sister than a friend.

My husband felt the same way, but I felt that they were getting a little closer than I was comfortable with. One day, another friend said she saw my husband with my friend at the park holding hands. That evening, I confronted my husband about the “park” and how I was very uncomfortable with his relationship with my friend. He said I was being ridiculous and that  “my imagination was working overtime.

A few weeks later, I received an anonymous telephone call telling me that my husband has been having a three-year affair with my friend. I thought that this was a  very crueljoke and couldn’t believe anyone  would hurt me like this. But it’s been four

months since the passing of our friend, and the grieving widow was looking pretty good to me. She lost weight, colored her hair and got a new haircut.

My husband changed, too. All of a sudden he was always ready to go out, with me or not. One night when we were driving somewhere I opened the glove compart­ ment  to get a tissue and found a condom  instead. That was it! I blew  up, and he final­

ly confessed that he was sleeping with my friend for the past three years, and that he was in love with her. Now that she was a widow, he  wanted to divorce me and marry her.

Well, friends, if it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, then it is a rat.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Saying”It’s your imagination” is a direct reaction and accusation from your spouse when you begin to question the fidelity in your relationship.

Telling you that this “so called affair” is inyour own imagination usually takes place once your spouse has become comfortable and lazy with the regular excuses. Laziness of hiding the affair usually happens after six months or more from the begin­ ning of it. This is when the lovers make mistakes and you begin to take real close notice. The spouse makes mistakes when he or she begins to show numerous signs. When you began to take notice of your spouse’s behavior,it was only natur­

al for you to confront your spouse with your suspicions. You have made your spouse more clever to cover-up the affair. An affair can not be hidden  forever!

We understand it’s difficult for you to not say anything to your spouse, but you have to remain in control over your emotions until you get the facts.

The cheating spouse will always try to keep you off-guard, and wants to play with your emotions. You have been made to believe this affair is all your fault and in your imagination.

Remember,you’re not the one who’s crazy!  You know something is wrong and you have to find out what is making it that way.  Listen to your gut feeling.

 

Sign 13 – RECEIVING HANG-UP PHONE CALLS… CASE STUDY – “VICKY”

“Ionce had an average life-married right after college, two children, a dog and a comfortable home in a decent neighborhood.

In order to supplement my husband’s salary, I started a small business that I ran out of our home, designing and making silk floral arrangements. I was satisfied with our lives. Nothing too grand about it, but we were happy.

Then, one day, it started. When my husband would leave for work, the phone would ring. I’d picked it up,and silence. Ithought someone had dialed the wrong num­ ber. But after several more calls,Ithought some teenager wasprobably pulling aprank.

That night I told my husband about the calls, and he, too, felt that it was likely a prank. Next morning, it started again. I couldn’t take the phone off the hook-what if someone wanted to place an order; or if my kid’s school needed to contact me? The calls continued for the next two weeks, only when I was home alone-never in the evening.

Now Istarted to get really worried. Every time the phone would ring I would get all jumpy and nervous. What if some lunatic wanted to hurt me? So I called the phone company and ordered a caller ID unit, and installed it. That night I told my hus­ band about it and he broke down crying, saying this was all his fault and how sorry he was to have caused me all of this worry.

Ihad no idea what he was talking about-but he continued to tell me that he had a new student in his class that semester (he was a teacher at a local college). She was doing poorly, and he had offered to tutor her after class. Well, a lot more had hap­ pened between them than he planned on. Now, this girl was determined to drive me crazy and break up our marriage.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Receiving hang-up phone calls is a significant indication of a cheating spouse. There are several reasons you or your spouse would receive a hang-up phone call. For example, a lover could become angry at your spouse and will call to get his or her attention.

Here’s a case scenario: your spouse was supposed to call the lover at a cer­ taintime, but was unable to do so since you were present. The lover waits for the call, and the  more time that passes, the more upset the lover becomes-until they just can’t stand it anymore and they call.

Another situation develops when the lover wants to talk with your spouse, and repeatedly calls until your spouse picks up the phone. The need to talk for a few minutes is very strong. In this situation, the lover is attempting to keep control of the affair as well as cause trouble in the marriage.

Hang-up phone calls are usually made by an immature person. They are also quite annoying. Keep track of when they occur and watch what your spouse does. Observe the reaction. As stated in Sign Number 10, services like Caller ID have become most helpful in determining your phantom caller.

If the lover is calling your spouse, it might show up on your Caller ID. If you don’t have it hooked up to your phone,then subscribe to it. All it takes is for the lover to make just one call and most likely his or her number will appear on the terminal. Don’t tell your spouse about the Caller ID unit. Your phantom calls might just stop, and you’ll never find out who is doing this to you.

Hide the unit where your spouse won’t see it. Scan the numbers everyday. Keep track of all strange numbers that appear,even if it says the number belongs to a pay phone. Keep track of when the calls take place. Notice if your spouse is at home or returns shortly thereafter. The lovers might have just left one another.

 

SIGN 14 – RECEIVING ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL… CASE STUDY – “SUZANNE”

“Out of the blue I started receiving mysterious phone calls. The caller spoke in a very muffled voice, and I had a hard time figuring out whether it was a male or a female.

This caller kept telling me that my husband was having an affair with his sec­ retary. I was very upset by these calls, but my husband reassured me that a co-worker was probably jealous of his recent promotion at work and might be trying to stir up some trouble on the home front. Iwanted desperately to believe him-after all we were married for more than ten years.

Then one day, this anonymous caller told me that my husband would be out that night with his girlfriend at a restaurant that Iknew. Sure enough, later on that same day, my husband called to tell me that he would be out late that night on business. I couldn’t stand it anymore, Ijust  had to know what was going on.

That evening I decided to take a chance and go to the restaurant to see if the caller wasjust upsetting me for no good reason. I walked in, went past the bar area­ and then Istopped dead in my tracks. Icouldn’t believe my eyes. My husband and his secretary were sitting cozily at a corner table sipping champagne.

Ilater found out that the “caller” was his secretary, who called me because she wanted me to know about the affair. She figured that my knowledge of the affair would cause our marriage to break up. Sadly, she was right. It did break up our marriage, but then I found out that he dumped her, too!”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Receiving an anonymous phone call telling you to watch your spouse more carefullyis usually from a concerned person who knows of the affair. This person has feelings for you and does not want you to be the last one to know. If your spouse is having an extra-marital affair,you probably are the last to know. No one has the heart to tell you in person.

In some cases, it could be an “old flame” who calls, who was possibly dropped for another lover. The friend calling you believes he or she is breaking up the new relationship and that the spouse will come back.

It also could be a friend, neighbor.your spouse’s secretary, or even the lover’s spouse.  If this happens, use the call to your advantage by asking questions.

Sign 16 – A NEW STYLE OF CLOTHING… CASE STUDY – “JOHN”

“Ever since the kids were born, my wife has been battling with her weight. It really didn’t matter to me that she was a little overweight, but it killed her not to be able to fit into her oldjeans.

Finally, after what seemed like the hundredth diet, she finally did it. She lost all of the extra weight and fit comfortably into her old jeans again. I had to admit, she looked great! She told me that she deserved a reward for her hard won battle and I agreed.  So off she went to the mall, while Iwas home with the kids.

She was so excited when she got home, that she reminded me of a little child on Christmas morning opening up the presents. The problem was that I was shocked at her purchases. All the clothes looked so tiny, that I couldn’t believe that she would fit in them, let alone wear them. And some of the stuff looked down right slutty to me, and I wasn’t ashamed to say so.

She said I wasjust being old fashioned, and that I should lighten up. After a couple of months of my wife’s “new look, ” Icouldn’t stand it anymore. Ididn’t like the way she was acting, and Icertainly didn’t like the looks she wasgetting when we went out.

One day, my friend told me that he saw my wife having lunch at a fast food chain with ayounger man. Then he noticed that the guy walked her out to her car and gave her a nice long kiss on the mouth. I confronted my wife and told her that my friend saw her. She said it wasjust lunch, and it didn’t mean anything else.

I love my wife too much to take a chance on losing her. Whatever our problems are, I am determined to solve them. I talked to my wife about going to marriage counseling and she has agreed.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

If your spouse claims that he or she wants to feel young and single again,

they will usually buy a new wardrobe. Or your spouse may suddenly claim that his or her present wardrobe is either outdated or has the basic business look.

It is up to you to decide if your spouse’s behavior is out of the ordinary. For example,your spouse might have bought the type of clothing that you have probably been trying to get them to wear for years. The spouse will attempt to purchase what the lover chooses. Or the lover will go shopping for your spouse who tells you he or she bought it.

 

Sign 17 – INTERESTED IN EXERCISE… CASE STUDY – “JOYCE”

“For the last 25 years my husband has been Mr.Predictable, a real creature of habit. We’d often argue about this because I like being a little more spontaneous. But he’d always get his way.

A typical day for my husband would be getting home by  5:30 PM, dinner at 6:00 PM, the evening news and then falling asleep in his chair by 9:00 PM.Friday nights were Bingo, Saturday  nights were dinner and a movie.

Last year, my husband wasn’t feeling well, and I made him go for a checkup. The doctor said “lose weight and start exercising.” His birthday was the next week, so Ibought him ayear’s health dub membership. He grudgingly went once a week in the beginning, but Ipushed him to go at least twice a week.

After a couple of months, he was a new man. He ate healthier foods and admitted to feeling much better. He looked so much better, he’d want to go to the gym up to five nights a week.

To tell you the truth, I missed seeing my chunky monkey sleeping in his chair in front of the tv. As time passed, my husband started getting home unusually late. Also our Friday night Bingo was now history, and we would even miss our usual Saturday night at the movies.

I kept quiet thinking “this too shall pass, but then I found a condom in his pants pocket while I was doing the laundry. I was so surprised, I never dreamed that my husband was capable of deceiving me. I couldn’t mention this to anyone, and I wasn’t sure what to do.

I finally decided to hire a private investigator, who found out that my husband was very friendly with a woman at the gym. After working out together, they continued to exercise in the back seat of his car in the parking lot. I couldn’t believe it! A 52 year old man acting like a foolish teenager. I still haven’t told him that I know, because I just can’t imagine life without him. I guess that I turned out to be the creature of habit after all.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

This sign is for the person who was once a couch potato and now doesn’t miss a work out at the gym.

Similar to purchasing new clothes, exercising makes the subject feel younger and more attractive to a potential lover. Perhaps your spouse has recently lost weight and is getting more attention from others.

Keep a log of the days and hours spent working out at the gym. Your spouse could be having an affair with someone they work out with.

Sign 18 – NO LONGER IS INTERESTED IN SEX… CASE STUDY – “ANDREW”

“My wife and Ialways had a healthy sex life. We were married for fifteen years, and we still managed to have sex about three times a week.

During the last six months of our relationship, our sex life declined rapidly. It all started when Igot laid off from work. Money was tight, the bills just kept pouring in, and there seemed to be no jobs available in my field.

My wife decided to get apart timejob and help out until Ifound a decent posi­ tion. I have to admit, my self-esteem was pretty low. I didn’t like the idea of my wife supporting me all of a sudden, but it couldn’t be helped, no matter how hard I tried I just  couldn’t find ajob.

That’s when our sex life started going down the drain. At first, it was my fault. Ididn’t feel like the “man” around the house anymore-a/so Iwas worried and felt as though I was constantly in a pressure cooker.

But then things turned around, and it was my wife who was making all the excuses. She would go to bed before me saying that she had to get up early for work the next morning. Or she would come home from work claiming that she was exhaust­ ed. When I would approach her in bed, she would tell me that if Iput in half as much effort into finding ajob  as I did trying to seduce her we would be millionaires.

After many months, I sat her down one day and wanted to know what was really wrong with our relationship. Being out of work for a few months shouldn’t destroy a marriage of fifteen years, I told her.

She finally broke down, and through tears said that she met a man at work and they fell in love. She said that she wasn’t looking for it but it just happened. She asked me for a divorce.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

A couple who has had a sexual pattern which changes drastically is usually a sign of a cheating spouse.

Your spouse might use excuses like “It’s the pressure at work, 11 or “It’s the house bills,” or the demands of children, or even pressure from the two of you argu­ ing lately.

Your spouse will never say it’s because of the lover that he or she has. Document the times your spouse looks extra nice when going out or to work. That might be the day your spouse is meeting the lover.

 

Sign 19 – NEW SEXUAL TECHNIQUES… CASE STUDY – “LUCY”

“My husband and I always had a decent sex life. After being together for so many years it was only natural that we experimented with different techniques, but we never got too kinky.

Last year my husband bought a home computer and became addicted to it. I didn’t pay too much attention, because I felt that it was good for him to broaden his horizons. And when our son got older; his daddy could use the computer to help him with his homework. But soon, I felt as though I was no longer married, as my husband was in love with his computer, spending endless hours on-line.

Once I woke up in the middle of the night and found him at his computer watching very explicit porno. He claimed it was just for kicks. But I realized how adamant he had become about trying new sexual techniques-all he wanted to do was tie me up to the bedposts.

He was way out of control, and was getting these crazy ideas from the com­puter; I decided that when my husband was at work, I’d learn to surf the net to see what else he was into. Luckily, my husband kept a notebook next to the screen with notes and his password. I logged on, and got notified to check “my mail. That’s when my nightmare began.

I found disgusting e-mails from a woman I never heard about, writing about their incredible sex, and she couldn ‘t wait until their next meeting at the usual motel, where they’d try out new games. She was into S & M.

Isat there stunned! How could this be? When and where did they meet? I couldn’t believe how gullible Iwas-he was having a real affair with a real person, not with his computer

After confronting him, I learned that he had met her in a chat area, and one thing led to the other-which lead me to my lawyers office!”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

New sexual techniques often become evident when you know your spouse always enjoyed having sex a certain way.

For example, if your spouse has a new sexual technique, you might not believe this idea came from renting an X-rated movie, or an adult magazine. A new sex partner is probably where they learned it.

Perhaps, your spouse changed his or her own style and interests and wants you to perform it.Your spouse may use these new techniques with you-but fails to realize that you see this change not as fun, but as a warning flag.

 

Sign 20 – FINDING BIRTH CONTROL ITEMS… CASE STUDY – “BRIAN”

“Everything seemed to be right until we decided to have children. Those first couple of years were tough, especially since we were blessed with twins. Someone was always crying, or a diaper needed to be changed.

I earn a good living, so my wife was able to stay at home and raise them. But she was quite often very cranky and restless, and was even jealous of me for being able to get out of the house to go to work. I told her that soon they would grow up and start nursery school.

I reasoned that then she’d have a breather for a couple of hours a day, and could pursue other interests. Although I loved my kids, I wasn’t happy with the way my wife changed. We hardly went out anymore, and sex was next to non-existent.

When the kids did start school, my wife was so happy to have some free time. She joined a gym and resumed playing tennis. In the beginning, I was very glad that things were finally turning around. But that euphoria lasted only for a couple of months-then she started to distance herself from me again.

I couldn’t understand what was happening. Then one day, I couldn’t find my favorite belt while I was getting dressed. I spotted it on the closet floor behind some shoes. When Ipicked it up Inoticed a box of condoms stuffed in my wife’s boots. What the heck is this!

My wife has been on the pill ever since the birth of our twins. Istormed out of the closet like a madman looking for my wife, and found her in the laundry room. I don’t recall ever being as angry-I must have scared her to death, but I really didn’t care. After all we’ve been through, and how much patience and love I tried to give her, this was how she repaid me?

She finally confessed that she was having an affair with her tennis pro, and made him wear a condom for protection against any diseases. She insisted that it did­  n’t mean anything, but it certainly did to me!”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Finding birth control items in your spouse·s car, luggage, clothing, or hidden away in the house would compel you to confront them.

This sign is for those couples who don’t use contraceptives or haven’t in

years. You can’t expect your spouse to admit to their infidelity-because they won’t. If you confront them, they will probably use the excuses of:I) It isn’t mine,

my friend is having an affair.  2) I’m holding it for someone else.  3) It’s ours from a long time ago don’t you remember?

If you find birth control items, don1t tip your hand by telling them that they were  found. Instead, check periodically to determine when  the birth control was used. For example, one more condom is missing.

 

Sign 21 – FINDING HIDDEN LINGERIE… CASE STUDY – “GARY”

”My wife and I have always had a rocky relationship, but I loved her so much and was afraid of losing her, so I stuck it out best as Icould.

Over the years, my wife has had two brief affairs. Both those times, we ended up in marriage counseling, where she pledged her love for me, and promised to never do it again. She swore that she didn’t care about those men, and that it just happened. She wanted to be married to me, and couldn’t imagine life without me.

I really needed to believe her in order for our marriage to continue, but I have to admit it hurt like hell.

One Saturday morning, while I was fixing my car, I misplaced one of my tools and I had to go get another one. Just before I left to go to the store, I remembered that my wife might have the same tool in the trunk of her car. So I took her keys off the kitchen counter and unlocked her trunk, only to find a duffel bag right next to her tool box. Out of curiosity I opened the duffel bag to see what was inside, and I found sev­ eral pieces of very sexy lingerie.

I knew only too well what that meant, and I also knew that she hadn’t worn any of those items with me. I blew my stack, stormed back into the house and con­ fronted her. I said things to her that I never thought I would ever say to a woman, but I could no longer live with her and put up with her lies and cheating.

This time instead of marriage counseling, I headed straight to a divorce attorney.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Finding hidden lingerie indicates either that your spouse was going to give you a present two sizes too small or it was intended for someone else.

Or perhaps you haven’t seen that particular garment on your spouse before. You wonder when it was bought, and why was it stuck in a shoe box in the back of the closet.

Leave the lingerie hidden. Check on it periodically. See if it was moved or appears on wash day.

 

Sign 22 – NO LONGER WEARING A WEDDING RING… CASE STUDY – “SOFIA”

 

“Lately my husband has been going to the gym early on the weekends. He prefers it, rather than going at night after work. Normally, after his workout, he would go and pick up some fresh bagels for us and we would have brunch together when he returned.

He stopped wearing his wedding band when he went to the gym because he claimed that it bothered him while he was lifting weights. I thought that it was no big deal, since I myself hated to wear jewelry while working out.

Recently though, Inoticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding band when he came home from work either. When Iquestioned him about this, he replied that the ring was in his car ashtray because while driving his hand was itching and he removed it.

After a while of suspicious behavior, I found out that he was seeing someone from work who also happened to go to the same gym. It seemed that often after work, he would drive her home. He never told her that he was married, and therefore had to remove the ring.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

No longer wearing a wedding ring is an age-old sign of a cheating spouse.

If your spouse frequents a singles bar or hang-out with single friends, they might hide their wedding ring. When a spouse tells their lover they are separated, the lover will not want them to wear the wedding ring when they are together.

Sooner or later,the spouse will forget to put it back on before coming home.

 

Sign 23 –  UNEXPLAINED PURCHASES ON CREDIT CARD BILL… CASE STUDY – “PAULA”

“Over the past six months, I have noticed my husband becoming distant from me and the children. Every Thursday night I used to arrange for a baby-sitter; and we would go out for dinner so that we could have some private adult time.

I always looked forward to our “date night, it made me feel like I used to when we were still dating in college. During this same six months, my husband has also been putting in a lot more hours at work and claimed to be too tired to go out on our usual date night. I didn’t think about it too much, as I figured that soon enough we would resume back to our normal routine.

Meanwhile, our sex life also seemed to take a turn for the worse. On a few occasions, I noticed that my husband came home from work wearing new clothes. When I questioned him about it, he said that his boss said that he could charge a few

things on the company credit card, since he’s been putting in so much more time and

not getting paid extra for it. He claimed, that during his lunch break he would go to the mall and make these purchases.

None of this made any sense to me. Since when did a boss pay for clothing instead of just giving a person a bonus for the extra work? One day, while sorting out

the dry cleaning, I found receipts in his suit pocket for a motel and for a florist. I was sick and tired of being taken for a fool, so that night Icon fronted him. At first he denied that anything was going on. He just kept telling me one lie after the other. He was get­ ting pretty good at lying by now, but I was on to him so it didn’t work anymore.

It turned out that he was indeed having an affair; and spending all his “over­ time” working on this woman. She in turn liked to spoil him with gifts, including all the new clothes that he had supposedly bought at the mall.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Look for unexplained purchases on your spouse’s charge card.

Study  itemized  bills or a receipt for an item which you haven’t received.

Your spouse will never think you took notice of these charges.

Also, place special attention on a spouse who uses company charge cards.

Look for charges from florists, department stores, hotels and restaurants.

 

Sign 24 – TAKING  BUSINESS  TRIPS ALONE CASE STUDY – “SAMANTHA”

“My husband and I live a very comfortable life. We love to travel, and would take family vacations with the kids-but most of the time we preferred to travel alone.

Many of our trips were combined with business, since my husband’s firm had clients all over the world. last year, health problems made it difficult for me to travel, so my husband went on his business trips alone.

When I finally felt much better and told my husband that I would be traveling with him, he got flustered, and said the company was cutting expenses and didn’t pay for extra persons. I said we could afford to pay for my half, but he said that he would be working round the clock and I’d be happier at home.

So I offered to drive him to the airport, and said I’d pick him up on his return. He said the company would send a limousine. My inner self told me something was wrong, so I insisted. He gave in, but at the airport he insisted that Ijust drop him oil

Driving home, I thought about how anxious he was to get out of the car. Suddenly, Iwas heading back to the airport-and soon Iwas rushing to the gate before he took ofl

Running through the terminal like a maniac, Istopped dead in my tracks when I spotted my husband and his secretary sitting together cozily and having coffee. I heard his flight announced, and they got up arm in arm and boarded the plane.

I was in such hock that I couldn’t even drive home. Ijust sat in my car and cried. While I had been home sick, he had been busy playing around. But at 58 years old, I was used to my comfortable life and couldn’t imagine being alone at this stage of my life.

I decided to hope that in time he would break off the affair. I never told him that Isaw them together, or about the pain that it caused me.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Taking business trips alone when at one time you were always invited along can often be a sign of a spouse with something to hide.

If a spouse travels a lot for the company, he or she might be having the lover come along for a mini-vacation. The lover could be a co-worker who also must attend the business trip.

It doesn’t cost the subject much money, as the company is already providing the hotel,food, car rental and other expenses. By having the lover along, the spouse will be more relaxed-not having to worry about anyone seeing them. They will have a great time at their company’s expense.

When the spouse gets back, look for those receipts.

 

Sign 25 – ACTING TOO CLOSE TO A  BEST FRIEND… CASE STUDY – “SAM”

“The four of us have been great friends since college. Amy and Iwere the maid of honor and the best man at Sarah and John’s wedding, and they reciprocated for us at our wedding three months later. John and I opened up an advertising agency.

We felt like a family, and spent most of our time together. Amy always had a great sense of humor, and she and John always joked around causing Sarah and me to laugh hysterically. Problem was,Amy and John seemed to have laughed their way right into each other’s arms.

This took place right under my nose and I didn’t even see or smell (I should say) a thing. In retrospect, all of the pieces are starting to fit together.Amy used to drop by our office at lunch time when she knew I’d be out with a client. John being a total

gentleman O thought) would take her to a local restaurant located inside a hotel.

Sarah figured it all out and told me. When she was paying the monthly bills, she noticed Amy’s work number was listed numerous times on their cell phone bill. She thought that this was odd, even though we were such close friends. She mentioned it to John who said Amy had been crying on his shoulder. telling him that she and I were having marital problems.  Suppo$edly, she made John swear never to mention

anything to me or to his wife. How stupid could Sarah and I have been? All those times

we shared a cabin at the lake, Sam’1 and I would turn in early leaving the two of them chatting on the porch.

Also, Amy /ways se{!med to be parading around in nothing but her T-shirt. It never occurred to me to be jealous, I never dreamt that anything like this could ever happen.

Sarah told me that she’s filing for a divorce. I’m too angry and confused to make any decisions yet. It seems like everything I’ve ever worked for is crumbling. My marriage fallen apart, and it would be impossible for John and me to work together on after his disgusting behavior.”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

It is quite common to find the subject having an affair with your best friend!

People cheat with others they are closest to. Friends and couples who hang out together,especially neighbors, usually have much in common. For example,your spouse’s friend has a lot of the same hobbies and interests as you both do. The four of you spend considerable time together.

When your spouse is attracted to your friend, the affair begins by innocent flirting.They both think they are good for each other. When the affair is in full bloom, it will ruin a friendship as well as two marriages.

 

Sign 26 – SAYING “I  NEED SPACE”… CASE STUDY – “Marla”

 

“I was in shock when my husband came home from work and said that we had to talk. In all the years of our marriage, I have never heard that tone of voice. It frightened me, and all kinds of strange thoughts went through my head: was he fired, or did he have a terminal disease? We sat down, and he told me that after 22 years of marriage he suddenly had an urgent need to be alone for a while. He said that he need­ ed space to figure things out. What things, I asked? He had no real answer for me.

I thought he was going through a mid-life crises. I asked him to talk to a pro­fessional about his problems. He said getting his own space would be the best medi­ cine-and that he had already found a small apartment, and was moving out imme­ diately. Iasked him where this apartment was and his phone number, but he refused to tell me-that wouldjust defeat the purpose of moving out for a while. He said in case of an emergency I could beep him, otherwise don’t bother him.

I was dumbfounded! After 22 years of marriage, my life went down the drain in

exactly ten minutes. For five long months, he lived his own life, showing up once a week for dinner and give me money for the bills. I tried so hard to understand his “ordeal,”but Ijust couldn’t. l finally got up the nerve to hire a private investigator.

I wanted answers. The Pl. followed him after work and found where he lived. The Pl. watched his house early every morning for a week-and saw the same woman leaving the house with him every morning, kissing before getting into their own cars.

The Pl did a background check on this woman, and gave me all of the infor­mation. I was devastated, but I couldn’t forgive myself for letting my husband to leave the marital home so easily. I am currently seeing a therapist. I still haven’t gotten a decent explanation from him as to why this all happened. I am divorcing him on the grounds of mental cruelty and abandonment, not to mention adultery!”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

When the subject is caught between the spouse and the lover, they can no longer think rationally.

If your spouse tells you he or she needs time to think things through, to  be

able to go out with their friends and be free for a while, to unwind and relax, then there is a real problem.

No one should abandon their marriage to be single again-it was supposed to be a lifetime commitment, remember?

Your spouse’s behavior has placed you in a difficult position. You are told you cannot ask any questions,which helps your spouse to avoid the marital problem and only to tell you more lies. If you let your spouse leave the marital household, you have let your spouse justify having an affair.

If you have no choice in the matter, seek the services of a therapist or mar­riage and family counselor, as well as a matrimonial attorney.

Sign 27 – SAYING “YOU SHOULD START TO DATE OTHERS”… CASE STUDY – “LINDA”

“My husband and I have been married for thirteen years, and luckily we have had no children together It’s not that I didn’t want any, but I knew that he was a bum and I didn’t want to bring an innocent child into my imperfect household.

I found out once a couple of years ago that my husband cheated on me. The affair didn’t last too long and I managed to deal with the situation. His sister also told me that he cheated on his first wife on a regular basis, and was surprised to find out that it happened only once in our marriage.

But Iknow he’s doing it again-Ican feel it in my gut. I have tried to close my eyes to all the numerous signs but it’s been very hard. I would love to leave him, but it’s financially impossible.

When I told him that I knew about his cheating, he said that it was about time we started living our own lives, but without getting divorced. I wanted to know what that meant exactly. His reply: go get a boyfriend so that I could stop bugging him. Was he serious? How did he expect me to go out and have “fun” with another man? Wasn’t Ialready having  “fun” with such a wonderful cheater like him?

He figured that if I had a boyfriend, it would reduce his guilt and also his responsibilities. Unfortunately I’m stuck in this situation. I have no where to go, and no money to go with. But I swore to him that as long as we were married to each other, for better or worse, I would not let him live a single life!”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

When your spouse suggests the two of you begin going out and start living your own lives, this usually indicates that they have already found someone else. They have made the decision for you.

Your spouse encourages your freedom, in order to relieve their own guilt. He or she wants you to be secure with another person. If your spouse has taken these sharp measures, it is safe to say that they have been seeing someone else for a long time. If you choose to accept their request,you’re only making it easier for them to leave, lessening the guilt.

If you are not comfortable with your spouse’s decision, it is imperative to seek the services of a matrimonial attorney who will advise you on your rights.

 

Sign 28 SAYING “LET’S SEPARATE”… CASE STUDY – “MICHELLE”

“My husband and I work very long hours. And when we did have an oppor­tunity to be together or were invited to a party or dinner; my husband came up with a million reasons why he couldn’t make it. I was sick and tired of the whole situation­ married, but with no husband! Our friends and family stopped calling us anymore.

I felt extremely isolated and embarrassed. I had the feeling that there might be another woman involved, but I wasn’t sure.

I knew I’d been nagging him lately, and he coudn’t stand it-but he never gave me a straight answer!

All of a sudden, he said he wanted a separation, claiming he needed a break from all the pressure I put on him. He thought I was crazy to even suggest he had girl­friend. He turned the whole situation around, and made me feel like I’d done something terribly wrong. My self-esteem had never been lower; and I was always questioning myself.

Finally, he did move out, saying he was going to stay at his mother’s house for a while. When I called, he was never there. I felt that my mother-in-law was covering up for him-she and I never got along that well anyway.

The only way I could contact him was through his beeper. I decided to get a caller ID unit, to see where he was calling me from. One night, I beeped him quite late. He returned my call, but was extremely irritated that I had called so late. I didn’t care, because when I looked at the caller ID unit, there was a name and number that I never knew.

/ looked in the telephone book, found out the address that matched the name and phone number-and drove there, spotting my husband’s car in the driveway. I waited a long time, but he never came out, so I went home. I returned the next morn­ing, saw a woman leave the house and drive away. So I rang the doorbell. My hus­ band answered the door, and almost dropped dead. I just turned around and left!”

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

When your spouse encounters enough pressure by your asking too many questions, and the lover persists in wanting more quality time, your spouse feels as if his or her world is falling apart.

Do not feel sorry for your spouse- remember your spouse was the one who started this mess.

Separation is very serious. When a couple separates, your spouse will usual­ ly say he or she is moving in with a friend, a relative, or getting an apartment. Look for signs that you will only be able to contact your spouse at work, by pager or cell phone. If your spouse does not give you a direct telephone number to the new resi­dence, then he or she is probably living with the lover.

Consult the services of a matrimonial attorney. Once your spouse has decid­ ed to leave the matrimonial household, you must be given guidelines to your rights, alimony, child support, and legal options.

Back to Top